Therapy is Love
A client I’ve been seeing as part of a couple recently asked me how my style of therapy actually works. She was increasingly feeling better and the relationship had begun to improve. She attributed some of this newfound goodness to therapy, yet didn’t understand what was truly happening. “It’s kind of like magic! What’s going on? Erin, what are you doooooiiiiiinnnnng?”
Any other time I’d been asked that question in the past, I launched into a rather cerebral explanation of my background and extensive training with, ahem, “leading relationship experts in cutting-edge modalities that blend brain and heart.” Attachment this, neuroscience that. Blah, blah, blah.
That’s not to say that my experience and education don’t matter.They definitely do! What I realize is that I was often using language to describe what I do in a way that never really felt all that authentic. To be honest, the lingo would sometimes go right over my own head. Neuroscience, I’m looking at you.
But in this particular moment of clarity, instead of stating some scientific-sounding mumbo-jumbo, I stopped myself and became still. Without skipping a beat I said —
“Honestly, I think it comes down to this — I love you so that you can love yourself.”
Wait…..What?!
We both sat there a bit stunned but clearly moved by what I had blurted out, tears welling up in our eyes. She replied, “Yes. I can totally feel that.”
In our culture, we mostly define love as romantic or familial. The kind of affection you either have for your spouse or kids, friends, or fur babies. But therapeutic love – well, that’s its own awesome, one-of-a-kind, unique, living, breathing, and beautiful thing.
Carl Rogers, the pioneer of person-centered therapy, called it unconditional positive regard. AKA, complete support and acceptance of a person. I just call it love. A therapeutic love that 100% maintains boundaries and a professional frame, and simultaneously embraces (and loves) all of those hidden-until-now, messy, complicated, sticky, scary parts that you’ve been sooooo desperately afraid to look at — let alone attempt to understand or actually accept — so that you can ultimately feel real, bonafide love for yourself. Phew!
Loving yourself, and in turn, having the ability to love other people, comes down to first feeling genuinely loved, cared for, and supported by someone else.
Many of us grew up believing that we were somehow unworthy, bad, flawed, or unlovable — because, hint, we were raised by people who felt the exact same way. I’ve worked with clients who describe themselves as “crazy,” or worse, b-r-o-k-e-n. They claim that something must be wrong with them. They live with the near-constant burden of shame or low self-worth, continually doubting themselves. In relationships, they employ some pretty lousy ways of getting what they want. They are stuck in a vicious cycle and can’t see a way out.
This is where I come in.
From the moment they begin therapy with me, a new cycle is born. A cycle of acceptance, support, care, and compassion. Of being curious and attempting to understand. First, on my part as the therapist – and then eventually for themselves.
I don’t have to agree with my clients or validate their unhealthy behaviors. I have to simply acknowledge their struggle and show them how much I care about the pain it’s caused. That’s where we begin, and where we continue to go.
We establish trust. Safety. As much time and patience as it takes. And then, ta-da (!), as a client, you are invited to courageously receive more care, more attention, more support, and more acceptance for all of your parts – not just the pretty, polite, happy parts that you present to the world, but also the gnarly, dark, harsh, and misunderstood parts — until you can start to accept and love them, too.
All of your parts are worthy of compassion and care, and they always were. At some point— and for reasons that make perfect sense for you and your life — you simply stopped believing that basic truth.
It’s my job to help you remember.
Because once you remember, there’s no turning back. This is where growth and transformation truly happen, and a more authentic life begins.
And in my opinion, this is what therapy is all about.